Something Inside (That was Always Denied)
by AndThatWasEnough
Summary: Tulsa doesn't seem to have gotten the memo that it's the Summer of Love. And Ponyboy Curtis is restless. San Francisco is calling. But he also can't seem to make himself take the risk and just...go. {One-shot. Maybe.}


**Author's Note: Hey all! I'm back with a little one-shot here. I promise, an update on "Viva Voce" is coming soon, this week. But it's been easier to write things like this lately. It's a timing thing.**

 **I haven't written Pony in first person in…ages. So I'm probably a bit rusty. But he seemed to have a story to tell today, so here it is! A little summertime piece, even though it's supposed to snow here within the week.**

 **This ties in a bit with my longer stories, but you don't have to have read them for this to make sense. You just have to know that Two-Bit's seeing a girl from the other side of town.**

 **Happy reading :)**

XXXXX

1967 was supposed to be the summer of love. But it seems no one in Tulsa got the memo, except maybe Two-Bit, but I think he had interpreted the "love" part a little differently than the rest of the country. I think Tulsa was just about the least interesting place on earth that summer, and I think that's exactly how Darry liked it. Sure, it had been a rough year, but Jesus, _something_ needed to happen.

At least the radio was playing some good stuff.

"Man, I don't know what's in the water out there," Soda shook his head, referring to San Francisco, "but man, did the Doors really come through for me this year."

"The Doors ain't that good, Soda," Darry grumbled, sitting down at the kitchen table with his trademark egg-'n'-bacon-'n'-tomato sandwich and a cup of coffee. "The closest I think I've ever come to bein' in Hell was when I was standin' in line at the grocery store last week and that song came on – which one is it? It's seven minutes, or somethin'. It's shit."

"It's called 'Light My Fire', and I'll have you know, Darrel Curtis," Soda waved his spatula at him, bits of egg getting flung all over the place, "that it ain't shit."

"You're right," Darry shot back cheerfully. "It ain't _shit_. That's for _damn_ sure."

Soda squinted at him and shook his head like he was crazy. If you ask me, I'm kinda indifferent towards the Doors, but my opinion on the Beatles is sure changed after _Sergeant Pepper's_ came out. One of the local stations played it through twice and nobody cared cuz it's so good. Steve's still kinda disdainful of them, and my brothers really don't pay much attention to music – which was why this was sorta an unusual conversation – but Two-Bit's girl was really (and I mean _really)_ into them, so he thought they were OK. Or, he at least said so.

They're all crazy, though, cuz the Beatles are a _mazing_.

(The nearly-fourteen Ponyboy would probably hardly recognize nearly- _fifteen_ Ponyboy.)

"You workin' tonight?" I asked Darry, who sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling, as if to ask god for help.

"Yeah, I've got a shift at the warehouse. Just for a few hours."

"I'm workin' to five, same as always," Soda chimed in, even though no one asked and we already knew what hours he kept, and he sat at the table with his jelly-covered eggs, licking some off his thumb. Darry grimaced. "Guess yer on your own again today, Pone."

"Great," I grumbled. That had been the theme for most of the summer. Darry and Soda worked, Two-Bit tooled around town with his new girl, and Steve…well, Steve and I don't really hand around just the two of us. I think he likes me a little better after last fall, but _still_. "Guess I'll go see _Casino Royale_ again. Alone. _Again_."

"Aw, Pony, don't be like that," Soda said. "You know we ain't tryin' to avoid ya."

"I am," Darry said, smirking. I rolled my eyes. You can always rely on Darry for a dig like that.

"Mornin', Curtises!"

Speak of the devils, Two-Bit and Steve came in from the back, the screen door slamming so hard behind them that our plates shook. Steve pulled up a chair between Darry and Soda and Two-Bit pulled up between me and Darry, sitting backwards and leaning on the back of his chair.

"It's hotter 'n shit out there," Steve sighed, pulling a piece of bacon from the plate in the center of the table, the paper towel they were resting on wet with oil and grease. "You almost ready, Soda?" Soda nodded. "Shoes?"

"By the door."

"You're still gonna forget."

"Shut up."

"What're y'all doin' here?" Darry asked. "Surely you didn't come over just to ruin my breakfast."

"Aw, _Darrel_ ," Two-Bit sighed, a grin tugging at his lips, "don't be like that! I'm the light of your life, and you _know it_."

Two-Bit batted his eyes at my oldest brother, who just shot him a wry look. "Sure," Darry drawled, shaking his head at our buddy.

But that's just the thing – some days, Steve and Two-Bit don't feel like _our_ buddies. They feel like my brothers'. I mean, Steve still antagonizes me, and he's still _Sodapop's_ best friend. And Two-Bit has always let me tag along with him, but it's Darry who he's known forever and gets along with best. So on days like this, it's not just that I want to go somewhere and be somewhere else, it's not that I don't understand that my brothers have to work, it's that I'm all alone.

With just me.

"Ya know what we should do?" I suddenly blurted out, and four pairs of eyes all turned to look at me, torn away from their separate conversations. "We should all go somewhere."

They all just stared at me for a little longer, silent, exchanging little looks. Darry looked back at me. "Yeah? Like where?"

 _Anywhere!_ I wanted to scream. "San Francisco," I said quietly, and then sat back as the realization of what I'd said sunk in. Because they all started laughing like that was just the funniest damn thing they'd ever heard in all their lives. I scowled and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Well, well," Steve sighed, wiping his eyes, "looks like we have a flower child in our midst!"

"Yeah, Pony," Two-Bit jeered, "you been listenin' to too much Jefferson Airplane?"

"Shuddup, Two-Bit," I grumbled. "You too, Steve. Just cuz y'all are boring as shit –"

"Alright, alright," Darry said, trying to shut me up and get everyone to stop laughing. "Pony, even if we could afford to go somewhere, I wouldn't wanna spend my summer with a bunch of pot-smokin' hippies."

I rolled my eyes. Darry was such a square. And such a contradiction. He didn't support Vietnam, but he grumbled every time he saw a guy who kept his hair loose and long. I don't know how he could stand to look at Two-Bit these days because that's the _only_ way he wore his hair now.

"It wouldn't be so bad, I don't think," Soda said. "It'd prolly be real laid-back, ya know? And just cuz everyone else is smokin' pot don't mean you have to."

"Well, we ain't goin' anyways! So that's that," Darry said pointedly. He looked at his watch. "I'm gonna be late. I gotta get goin'." He stood up and grabbed his toolbelt.

"That's our cue," Steve sighed. "Thanks for the laugh, Pony. You're a real riot." And he and Soda got up, too, and sure enough, Steve had to remind Sodapop to grab his shoes. In a matter of just a couple minutes, the three of them had left, and it was just me and Two-Bit. He sketched a wave at them as they left and then turned on me, smiling. I scowled again.

"Don't start in on me again," I spat. Two-Bit held up his hands.

"I wasn't gonna. I get it kid – you're bored. We've been ditchin' ya all summer. Ya spend so much time alone you start gettin' into all those hippie-dippy ideas. It's bound to happen!" He smiled like he'd cracked it, but I just shook my head and pushed my now-cold eggs around on my plate. Two-Bit's smile fell and he sighed. "Really, kid. I'm sorry you've been kinda alone this summer."

Two-Bit sounded so sincere that I couldn't really stay mad, even though I wanted to. "It's okay."

"No it ain't. I mean, your brothers gotta work. And Steve…well, he's Steve, we'll leave it at that." He laughed a little. "But that means that leaves me, I guess. So I really am sorry. Cuz I know I ain't the best company in the world, but at least I'm better than Mr. Curly Shepard." He cocked an eyebrow at me and I felt my cheeks get hot. "Guess so."

He and Steve had caught me a couple times over the past few months getting into trouble with Curly. Egging houses, picking stupid fights, running around town just doing stupid shit. I know hanging around Curly wasn't always the best idea, but it's not like he was the worst guy in town, either. So far, Steve and Two-Bit had been cool and hadn't told my brothers, but I knew they would at some point. "He ain't all bad."

"Yeah," he drawled. "But he ain't all good, either. Look, kid – today, it's you an' me. I'll ditch the girl for today and you and I will go do somethin'. Whatever you want."

Well, that sure sounded better than going to see the new James Bond movie for what, the third time? But I'd drawn a blank. Suddenly, I could go and do whatever I wanted, and not just hang around or walk around town by myself. The possibilities were _too_ endless.

"I don't know what I wanna do," I said, my voice small. Two-Bit shook his head.

"Alright. Get dressed and come with me, kid."

XXXXX

"Thought you said you were ditchin' the girl for the day."

"I am!" Two-Bit insisted, but as we pulled up to the old plantation-style house on the other side of town, I wasn't so sure. Two-Bit was spending a lot of time over here these days. I knew his girl – Bee Stevens, is what pretty much everyone called her – and we'd had a class together last school year. She was nice, as far as rich girls went. But she wasn't blonde, so I really had no idea what Two-Bit saw in her.

"Sure don't seem like it," I said as I followed him up the front walk and around the side of the house, up a set of stairs and…wait, why didn't he just knock on the front door? Some days, it's like Two-Bit Mathews is a whole new person. A guy who just waltzes up people's porches and up to their bedroom doors. He knocked on the frame of the screen door. I could see inside to a pink bedroom.

"Well, trust me, _I am_. I just have a question, is all."

"What sort of question?" I asked, but before he could answer, Bee Stevens had flung open her screen door and was standing on the porch with us. She was wearing pants. It was weird to see a girl in pants, even if they did have little daisies running up the side. I tried not to look at her too long, though, cuz…well, she _is_ pretty and all…

"Hi, Ponyboy," she greeted, and I looked up and smiled at her. Two-Bit just jumped right in.

"Honey, I have a question."

"Well, gee, Two-Bit, you could've just _called_ , ya know?"

He waved her off. "We were already out. Listen, that record store, the one you dragged me to a while back? Ya know, the one that reeked of reefer? What's it called?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Um. Good Vibrations, I think. It's on fifth."

"Good Vibrations?" Two-Bit repeated, and she nodded. "Jesus Christ. Alright then! C'mon, Pony."

"Wait – is that where you're headed?"

Two-Bit cut his eyes to mine, and I knew right away where this was going. I kinda nodded my head. "Yeah, that's where we're goin'."

Bridget looked hopeful. "Mind if I tag along?"

XXXXX

"I don't see what's so special about _this_ record store," I said, looking around. Good Vibrations had beads hanging in every doorway and psychedelic posters hanging on the walls. I had to keep from laughing when I heard "Light My Fire" playing, imagining Darry standing in the middle of this store with that sour expression on his face that he gets. Yeah, he really wouldn't like it here. And it really did smell like reefer, like Two-Bit had said.

"Quit yer whinin'," Two-Bit said. He was stood between me and Bridget, us in our torn-up jeans and T-shirts and her in her pedal pushers. We sure didn't look like the clientele that this store would usually attract, that's for sure.

"The guy at the counter, see him?" Bridget asked. "He's been to Haight-Ashbury."

Two-Bit looked at her. "That so?" He asked, then looked back at me. "You should ask him about it, kid."

I raised my eyebrows. "Is that why you brought me here? So I could talk to some stranger about San Francisco?"

Two-Bit smiled. "Ya got me. You were curious, though. Might as well talk to 'im, right? Get the low-down?"

The guy at the counter looked to be about their age, probably a little older. He had longer hair than I'd ever seen on a guy, wore tie-dye and a necklace. Two-Bit and Bridget had wandered away from me, off in their own little world. I approached the guy at the counter and he smiled when he saw me.

"Hey there!" He greeted happily. "I'm Matt. Welcome to Good Vibrations. Can I help you find something?"

Matt sure didn't sound like he was from around here. He had a dreamy voice and a smile on his face the entire time he talked to me.

"Oh, I'm not really lookin' for anything in particular. My friends over there said you've been to San Francisco?"

Matt lit up, as if he wasn't lit already. "Yeah, man. You thinkin' of going?"

I shook my head, but I wished I'd lied and said yes. "Nah. Curious though. What's it like? It's different from here, right?"

Matt laughed. "Sure is, man. It's great. Real different. Everyone here is so straight-laced. Bunch of cowboys and Republicans. It's just…it's so _different_ out there it's crazy. Say, what's your name, kid?"

"Ponyboy Curtis."

Matt laughed again. "Well, hey, Ponyboy Curtis. That's quite the name."

"Well, my dad was quite the original person," I said, feeling myself start to smile. "My brother's name is Sodapop, ya know."

"Wow, no kiddin'?"

"No kiddin'. And we call my friend over there Two-Bit."

"Aw, I know Two-Bit. He an' Bee come in here all the time. I think she drags 'im here, but he's a hoot, ain't he?"

I snorted. "Guess you could say that."

"That chick he's with is always askin' me 'bout California, too," Matt said, stroking his chin. "How old are you, Ponyboy Curtis?"

"Fourteen. Almost fifteen," I added, like I thought that might help something. "Why's that matter? I just wanna know about San Francisco."

"Well, it's real great," he said vaguely. "Ya know, if ya wanted to go, there's a bunch of folks I know headed out there tonight. You could tag along if you really wanted to. See it for yourself."

Matt made it sound so simple. He didn't know me. He didn't know my life. There was this whole great big world out there that I wanted to see, and I was so worried I would never get to see it. And here was Matt, telling me that if I really wanted to, I could just drop everything and go. I wish it were that simple for me.

"You don't go there and come back the same, Ponyboy Curtis," Matt went on. "It's a whole new way."

"A whole new way of what?"

He leaned in. "Of _living_."

But that _did_ scare me. Would going change me forever? And how?

"Hey, Matt." Two-Bit and Bridget had reappeared, and she put the new Rolling Stones album on the counter. "Just this," she said pleasantly.

"Ya know," Matt said as he rang her up, "I was just telling your friend Ponyboy Curtis here that if you guys want, some of my buddies are riding out to California tonight. Meet back here around seven and you could go. Know you're dyin' to."

"We like it just fine here in Oklahoma, Matt," Two-Bit drawled, lighting up. "Ain't that why you came back?"

"Aw, I came back cuz my mom needed help with the bills. But I can sure spread the word from here. And it ain't like you gotta spend the rest of your life there, ya know. You just go experience it. Too bad you missed the Monterey Pop Fest – those were some good times, man."

"Sounds like," Bridget said dreamily.

Matt handed her the record album in a paper bag. "Just think about it, yeah? All of ya. See you guys around!"

The sky had clouded over as we walked around downtown, looking in store windows. I didn't even really feel like I was third-wheeling or anything. I was just thinking. Matt said going out there changed you – but how? I just wanted to be with people who liked the same new music that I did. Who wouldn't make fun of me for liking _Sergeant Peppers_ like my buddies did. Who didn't laugh when I said I wanted to go out there without a real solid reason.

"Where'd ya go, Ponyboy Curtis?"

Two-Bit and Bridget were watching me as we stood in front of a store selling televisions. The TV in the middle was set to a news program showing something about Vietnam. I cocked my head to the side and looked at them closely.

"You two should go," I said all of a sudden. Two-Bit and Bridget looked at each other.

"Go _where?"_ Two-Bit asked.

"To San Francisco."

Two-Bit looked unsure. Bee looked back and forth between us with wide eyes. I didn't know her _that_ well, but she looked to me like she was sorta scared at the suggestion. "I dunno, kid," Two-Bit drawled. "I mean, we've got things to do here, ya know."

"I know," I said. "But I still think you should go."

"I don't know, either," Bridget mused. "I mean…my parents, they'd hit the roof if I just up and disappeared like that."

I shrugged. "Then don't disappear. Tell 'em where you're goin'."

Two-Bit frowned. "It ain't always that easy, Ponykid."

"Matt sure seemed to think so. And, I get why I maybe wouldn't go. But that doesn't mean the two of you shouldn't. Matt said you're askin' 'bout it all the time," I said to Bridget, and she turned pink. "You know you wanna go. And you shouldn't go alone. So Two-Bit should go with you." I shrugged. It all seemed so simple to me.

"Kid, that's crazy. They leave _tonight_. I need more time to think about this!"

"Two-Bit –"

"I do want to go," Bridget said, and Two-Bit looked at her like she'd betrayed him. "I do. But don't you want to go too, Ponyboy?"

"Maybe." I turned to Two-Bit. "I don't know what I was sayin' this morning. But I think you should go, Two-Bit. I really do."

Two-Bit stared at me. He stared at his new girl. She cocked an eyebrow, and I was jealous of her ability, and attempted it while they weren't looking. He looked back at me and I shrugged again.

"I just think you'd like it," is all I said.

Two-Bit took a deep breath. "You better be right about that, Ponyboy Curtis, or I'm gonna kick your ass."

XXXXX

That night, I saw them off. Bridget looked like she was gonna fit right in with these people, with her crazy hair and the peasant dress she'd shown up in. Two-Bit had looked at her funny when he saw her, but hadn't said anything. Something told me he was about to see a whole new side of her.

"You sure about this, kid?"

"I'm not the one you should be asking. It's you who's goin'."

Two-Bit shook his head. "That ain't what I mean. I mean, this is your idea. You're the one who wanted to go. Why ain't you?"

I shrugged. "Like you said – there's things here for me. 'Sides – Darry would hit the roof at the thought of me heading out there, even with you tagging along. And Steve would never stop makin' fun of me."

Two-Bit snorted. "You mean he's never gonna stop makin' fun of _me_." He leaned up against the Volkswagen van they were about to take off in, painted bright yellow and covered in stickers and decals. "I'm never gonna hear the end of this."

"Yeah, well, it was my idea. So I'm sure we're both gonna have to take it."

Two-Bit smirked. "Aw, kid. This is crazy. This is crazy! I hate to leave you like this. Wasn't I just sayin' earlier that I should hang around more with ya? Now I won't get to!"

I shook my head. "It's okay. Go do this. You deserve to get outta here, too. You don't wanna hang around me the rest of the summer."

"Oh, but I _do_ , Ponyboy Curtis," he whispered, like it was a big secret. He clapped me on the shoulder. "Shit. I'mma miss you. Everybody."

"Aw, go on," I laughed, cuz if we're being honest, this was making me feel all sappy and misty and I didn't want Two-Bit to see me cry, even though he's been putting up with my tears since I was born – literally. I hear him chuckle somewhere beside me.

"Be good, Ponyboy Curtis," he said, and he's walking away, and I can't help but think that in a way, the Two-Bit Mathews we all know was walking away for good. Because from what I'd heard, nobody goes to San Francisco and comes back the same.

XXXXX

I waltzed into the house before curfew but later than I've been staying out this summer. When the door slammed behind me, both Soda and Darry looked over at me. They're just sitting on the couch together, in the dark, TV on and glowing across their faces.

"Where've you been?" Darry asked.

"Place called Good Vibrations. It's a record store."

Darry rolled his eyes. "What'd you find there?"

"I was just seein' Two-Bit and his girl off. They're headed to San Francisco."

Darry and Soda both sat up and looked at me like I was nuts. "They're _what?"_ They asked, at the exact same time. I nodded.

"Yep. They're in a VW bus headed for California." I flopped down between them. Darry and Soda share a look over my head.

"They just…up and went," Soda said, still confused.

"Yep."

"Damn," Darry breathed. "Ol' Two-Bit hangin' around with a bunch of hippies."

I shrugged and leaned back into the old sofa's cushions. "Didn't take much to convince him."

"That girl he hangs around with sure seems the type," Soda said, a smile in his voice, and he laughs a little. "So, why didn't you go?"

"Soda!" Darry bursts, but Soda holds up a hand to stop him.

"Seriously. With all that talk this mornin', I'm surprised you didn't just hop in and go with 'em. I mean, it'd be one'a the _dumbest_ things you'd ever done" – Darry mumbles an _amen_ under his breath – "but I woulda got it. Why you'd go. So why didn't you?"

"Jesus, Sodapop, it's like you're _encouraging_ him –"

"No, he's right," I jumped in. I looked between my brothers. "But, I dunno. Something just told me not to go."

Darry scoffed. "Maybe it was _common sense_."

"Or maybe the smell of patchouli turned ya off," Soda joked.

"Maybe," I sighed, leaning against Darry's shoulder. I can feel his muscles move as he turns his head to look down at me, and I'm sure he looked at Soda in a way that said _Jesus, what's with him?_ "Maybe it was both."

I know why I stayed.

XXXXX

A week later, we got a package and a postcard in the mail with a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge on the front and Two-Bit's all-cap scrawl on the back. Steve just shook his head when he saw it. Darry muttered something about "damn hippies." Soda smiled as he dumped a multitude of beads and tie-dye from the parcel, pulling a shirt on over his grease-stained one.

"I think they're good colors on me," Soda said, checking himself out in the mirror. "Yeah. Darry Curtis, I _demand_ you try one of these on!"

I just read the postcard over and over.

 _I've heard Sgt. Peppers more times than I think is healthy for one lifetime. Hope y'all like the new duds – seems to be all you can get around here. Everything and everyONE smells like pot, including me, I'm pretty sure. But hey – you can't beat the view._

 _So I guess this is a thanks for making me do this, Ponyboy Curtis._

 _Two-Bit_

XXXXX

 **AN: Sgt. Peppers is definitely the soundtrack for this one. I'm starting to experiment with the whole Summer of Love period in the gang's lives, so this might just be the beginning.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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